New South Wales, Australia has always had a special healing place in my heart. When I was in High School I developed an Eating Disorder and during my time of recovery I stayed in Newcastle with my family, I felt really grounded and motivated during that time was especially lucky to be surrounded by many people who loved me, I even created a recovery journal which helped me overcome the disorder. I returned to Queensland a few weeks later.
Fast forward to now, seven years on as with any recovery from PTSD, Mental Health or just an experience that you've found hard to overcome there are many ups and downs to the healing process and often take years to fully recover from. Over the last year and a half I've faced relapse, alcohol use and very negative head spaces. I had spent the last year traveling from Thailand for three weeks to Mount Buller for four months to Japan for six months but each place had one thing in common...
I wasn't truly happy.
I found myself home sick, out of control trying to find external outlets for the mess I had let myself get into trying to make it all 'feel' better. I didn't want to be me, I wanted to numb the things I didn't want to feel and when traveling to different places it didn't make these things go away, in fact it only meant that I was the only one who had to face the ugly and take accountability for what I was doing because only internally does happiness appear.
I was wasting my time and opportunities in these beautiful locations that I was so lucky to be in by sitting in self pity instead.
So here I am in Jindabyne, a small GORGEOUS little town. Jean-Luc and I were a little under prepared for this season as it was all very last minute, we ended up getting a beautiful house in a place called Kalkite which is 20 minutes out of Jindabyne itself. For the most part it has been very isolated, we had our car written off by the extensive wildlife out here meaning we have had to rely on our three other house mates to support us, we haven't gone for a 'night out' or dinner dates, we haven't been to staff parties or social events for the past three months however the location has been nothing short of amazing, really it does make up for everything that's happened this winter. In reality maybe this is exactly what I needed, to be in a quiet place out in the country without the party scene or drama from social circles by this time now I haven't been drunk since I left Japan six months ago and I've been left to my own thoughts to really deal head on what I had been avoiding for so long.
23rd July 2019
I messaged one of my best friends at 10 pm saying that I was having some negative thoughts and found life really hard.
She stayed on the phone with me for two hours, she had been dealing with her own demons lately and still put me first, "How could I keep doing this to people I love" I asked myself, I would only leave guilt and destruction behind me if I ever left, I've had my mum and dad call me asking if I'm okay, check in on me and constantly be worried about my decisions.
I had decided then and there in that moment, I've had enough... nothing was going to change if I didn't and if I couldn't leave then it was up to me to find something within myself to keep me going because if I really see, not look, if I really see all the reasons then I could recreate a beautiful life that I actually want to get out of bed for.
Jindabyne has given me the space I needed to open up some realisations, It's tested me with challenges like losing our car and changing three different jobs in four months but it's given me the time to heal myself, the time has let me meet so many diverse people and it's allowed me to begin again by creating something new for myself.
When you come here you just fall in love with the town, Lake Jindabyne is so beautiful and the drive to and from Kalkite has some really special views. I've been more than grateful to spend this time here.
Shannie x